I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
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Why Self-Care Sucks
Published 1 day ago • 3 min read
Hello Reader!
This week I'm exploring why self-care feels like such an obligation. Otherwise I'm trying to soak up the kids as much as possible before they go back to school in less than two weeks. So I only have one category but lots of thoughts on it.
Feel
My friends were discussing how much they hate the term ‘self-care.’ How it wasn’t realistic, they didn’t have time for it, it was too expensive, and it literally just becomes another to-do list item they don’t have the time or energy to complete.
It sent me off on a spiral on how to get more ‘care’ for ourselves without the entire burden falling on ourselves. Can I wave a magic wand and give us all an extra hour to ourselves each day to do whatever the bleep we want? No. And unfortunately, the answer may require some change and a little bit of frontend work, but I realized I’m really missing out on a chance to restore my energy by not doing 2 things: asking for help and setting stronger boundaries. (Recovering people pleaser, remember? We’re supposed to do everything for everyone and they will love us FOR-EV-ER, right???)
Anyway, I’ve been exhausted and resentful since the return to ‘normal’ from covid. And by normal, of course, I mean ludicrous speed, doing all the things with all the people all the time and no excuse to take a break or rest ever. It seems no matter how much I give, it’s not enough, or people don’t even notice or appreciate it. Because they’re too busy doing all the things all the time, too!
And no, this isn’t me telling you to do less if you’re having a blast. It’s more me saying, please understand when I’m tired and not up for it. Or don’t. That’s the thing about setting a boundary. It can be hard. And people may leave less than pleased with you. But are you happier not doing the thing? Do you have more energy to give to what you really love and can help with? Then this is your permission to say no.
The other one is asking for help. Woof. The thing I love about vibe-coding is that we can tell the AI to write the code and don’t have to say please. (Although I still do! There should be a study on how you treat AI and what it means about you😂) I hate asking for help. Hate it. I will literally try just about everything, including sweating on the floor trying to push a heavy piece of furniture by myself before just asking anyone for help. It’s how I’ve always been. Having kids has made me better about doing, especially when it’s on their behalf, but I still don’t like it.
Why do I hate asking for help so much? I think it has to do with what I make it mean when people say no: They think my idea is dumb. They don’t think I’m worth their time. They don’t like me. None of which is probably true. They’re probably just better at setting healthy boundaries than I am. Instead of being afraid of people’s reactions when I ask for help, I should probably learn from them.
I also shouldn’t assume that they are just saying yes out of an obligation to help and secretly resenting helping me. Because I do generally like to be helpful. I think most people do. We just spread ourselves too thin and then can’t even enjoy that warm and fuzzy feeling of helping anyone.
Self-care for me is quiet time. Reading a book. Playing a video game. Writing without anything interrupting my thoughts. I don’t need entire days of it. Just some guilt-free time to let my brain rest or explore ideas I haven’t had time to meander over. But to get it, I need to stop doing all the things and ask for help. No, it won’t be perfect. Sometimes things will fall through, or someone will be let down. But I will be overall happier and up to enjoy more fun time with my friends and family when I’m ready!
If you'd like to read more strategies on how to get more supportive care in addition to self-care, you can check out my latest blog post here:
Please feel free to share with a friend to help the Feel Change Build Newsletter grow. More women need to know they can not only feel better but also go after what they really want.
Have a lovely day! - Kate
PS
I'm starting a Feel Change Build Community! Coming this fall (after the kids go back to school!), I'll be curating a community just for women who are ready to take their careers, relationships, and lives to the next level. It doesn't matter if you're just starting out, getting back to it, or are retired with valuable insights to share, I'd love to have you!
I will be building resources, workshops, and, of course, discussions along the way. I would love for the FCB community to be where you come for advice from your fellow women, who understand the struggles and triumphs we have daily! In a community where we're not feeding an algorithm that doesn't care about us or our missions.
If you're interested, please check out the link below:
I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
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