I write the Feel Change Build weekly newsletter about trusting emotions, transforming thoughts, and building lives that break the mold.
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π Let Go of Perfectionism
Published 5 months agoΒ β’Β 5 min read
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Hello Reader!β β
This week, I'm exploring the many facets of perfectionism: what it is, why it's not helping anyone, and most importantly, how to stop!
But first, I want to start with an apology for missing the newsletter last week because I was on vacation! And I had big plans to set posts to run on LinkedIn and schedule this newsletter, but then remnants of not just one but two(!) hurricanes took aim at Arizona and southern Colorado, causing me to have to replan our whole trip! My husband didn't want to go to Florida during hurricane season, but they found us anyway π
We did have a lovely trip (if a little more stressful than anticipated!) and made it home safely. And I hope all the wonderful communities we learned about along the way recover from the devastating flood waters.
So after losing my 9 week streak of writing this newsletter, I'm letting my overwhelming need for perfectionism go and starting again...
Feel
I can't stop talking about the Grand Canyon. So much so that my family is sick of it π But I can't help it. I was just caught so completely off guard seeing it in person that I'm still trying to process it a week later!
To be honest, I've never been a big fan of the landscapes in the western United States. We took a 3 week road trip out here when I was 8, and most of what I remember is a lot of dusty, scruffy hills rolling by for hours until we reached the Redwoods and then the ocean. And honestly, I've only begun to really appreciate forests and oceans in the last decade as well. So to say that I was awestruck by the Grand Canyon is a little flabbergasting to say the least.
I've seen castles and skyscrapers and dams that have wowed me with the ingenuity of human engineering. I get overwhelmed thinking about where they even start those projects. Seriously, how do they even measure out to the first cornerstone without freaking out about messing it up???
But nature? Natural wonders? I just thought, "Sure, it will be pretty." I've seen the pictures. People I know have been there and said it was cool. Grand Canyon. I get it. Yada, yada.
I DID NOT GET IT. It was amazing. Actually amazing. Unfathomable. I couldn't properly describe it or how it made me feel. Still obviously can't. And that's so hard as a writer because what am I doing as a writer if not articulating how I feel?
But when I talk to people who have been there, they feel the same way. They say, "Oh, yeah, it's awesome!" like it's a common fact. Like everybody knows. And maybe everybody knows, but unless you've been there, you can't understand.
I really wanted to just sit there for hours and take it all in. I saw a couple eating lunch with their legs draped over the edge. I wanted to plop down next to them and try to absorb it. But with 2 middle schoolers and a height-adverse husband, that wasn't happening. So I've made a date with myself to go back with endless time to take it all in. Who knows, maybe the Feel Change Build community will host a retreat there someday. I don't know, and that's okay.
Grand Canyon
There was so much in this trip, from the unpredictable weather to the grandeur of the canyon to the cozy, small-town feel of Flagstaff, that I never could have planned for. I wasn't as prepared as I normally am for our trips with printed color-coded itineraries and all. But my family stepped up, helped plan, and made some decisions I wouldn't have. And it all turned out great. Better than great!
Change
"I should have done this..." "I can't believe I forgot to..." "Now we won't have..."
These are the thoughts running through my head as we're driving across the scruffy desert opening up to the red rocks of New Mexico. I usually bring stamps, send postcards to family and friends, we take a picture at the house before we leave, etc. I love patterns, and the patterns of our family trips are no different. I love the satisfaction of having pictures (like the first day of school!) to compare every year.
But as I take on more and more since Covid ended, I'm finding it harder to keep up traditions. I'm having to let go of being a we've-always-done-it-this-way family. And at first it made me really sad. Always makes me feel safe. Makes me feel secure even when things are changing that I can't stop. Always makes it feel like home.
But always is a huge burden to bear. Always can be suffocating at 1am, and there needs to be just one more tradition done before Christmas. Always can hurt when someone's not in their usual spot at the holiday table anymore. And always can feel like a cage when you simply don't want to do it anymore, but everyone expects it.
So even though I apologized to my kids for where I fell short on this trip, I know I also gave them a gift. I showed them that I don't have to plan everything perfectly and I don't have to remember everything for us to have a fun, memorable time. We grabbed things along the way and saw things we wouldn't have gotten to otherwise.
They saw me completely out of my element with the Grand Canyon and sharing my wonder with them. They've known I'm far from perfect for a looong time, but for the first time, they got to see me being okay with it.
Build
The Perfectionist Pattern
What it is: Perfectionism is a protective thought pattern that developed to shield you from criticism, rejection, or failure by convincing you that flawless performance equals safety and worth. If you're perfect, no one can judge you, and you'll finally be enough, right?
Why it's not helping: Perfectionism keeps you perpetually stuck because perfect is impossible, so you either never start (paralyzed by the gap between your vision and your current ability), never finish (nothing ever meets your standards), or burn out trying to achieve an unattainable standard while your self-worth remains perpetually contingent on an impossible metric.
How to change it:
1. Set "good enough" standards before starting. Define what B+ looks like for this specific task before you begin, not "perfect" or "could be better," but "this accomplishes the goal and is done." Write it down so your perfectionism can't move the goalpost mid-project.
2. Time-box your work. Give yourself a specific time limit (not infinite time to perfect). When the timer goes off, you're done; whatever state it's in goes out. This trains your brain that completion matters more than perfection.
3. Share work before you think it's ready. Deliberately publish, send, or show something when it's at 80% of what you think it should be. The world's response will teach you that "good enough" is actually good enough and often better than never sharing at all.
4. Track completions, not perfection. At the end of each week, count how many things you finished, regardless of quality. Celebrate the number completed, not how perfect each one was. This rewires your reward system from perfectionism to productivity.
5. Practice the "what would I tell a friend?" test. When perfectionism paralyzes you, ask: "If my best friend showed me this work, would I tell them it's not good enough, or would I celebrate what they created?" Give yourself the same grace and encouragement you'd offer others.
Letting perfectionism go is about more than letting yourself off the hook. It's about recognizing that we can't waste our lives living in fear of the judgment of others. And when we give up trying to meet impossible standards, we make a lot more room for the people and projects in our lives that make our hearts sing.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
Have a lovely day! - Kate
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Psst!
The Feel Change Build community is coming! Founding membership will be opening up in November. So if you want a chance to be part of a community of women sharing science-backed methods to change their lives, hit reply and let me know!
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