I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
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How to Stop People Pleasing
Published 2 months ago • 3 min read
Hello Reader!
If your mouth is saying, "Yes," while your heart is screaming, "No!" this issue is for you ❤️
Feel
I fear I may have taken on too much, dear reader. I woke up today with my hands tingling. I played the Am I having a stroke or just stressed game for a few minutes before realizing I was clenching them in my sleep. I had a lot to get done today: post for a LinkedIn challenge I joined, organize and email for an auction I'm helping with, publish a blog post, write a newsletter, create a presentation I have to give tomorrow night, and start on the LinkedIn post for tomorrow.
I'm stressed because I say yes too much. I actually love to say, "Yes!" I love making people's eyes light up, the anticipation of making a difference, and the reward of accomplishing something good.
The problem comes when saying yes means saying no to the other things important to me, like family time, me time, and rest. Then I'm tired and resentful, and saying yes becomes a chore.
Hi, I'm Kate. I'm a recovering People Pleaser, but I'm trying to get better and here's how.
Change
The first step to stop People Pleasing for me was saying, "I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you." It isn't no, but it gives me a moment to breathe. To think about whether this is something I really want to do. And what I'd be giving up to do it.
It's hard. I don't want people to be mad at me or think I don't care or I'm lazy. But then I remind myself that we're all busy. They'll understand. They may be disappointed, and that's okay. I'm also not responsible for everyone else's feelings. But reminding myself of this doesn't make it any less hard.
Here are some expansive vs. protective thoughts to get out of the People Pleasing protective pattern:
Protective Pattern: "If I disappoint them, they'll reject me."
Expansive Truth: "People who truly care about me want me to be honest about my capacity."
Protective Pattern: "I'm responsible for everyone's happiness."
Expansive Truth: "I'm responsible for my own happiness and choices. Others are responsible for theirs."
Protective Pattern: "Saying no makes me selfish."
Expansive Truth: "Saying no when I mean no makes me trustworthy. My yes means something because my no is real."
Build
The Gradual Boundary Building Strategy
Don't try to transform all your relationships overnight. Start with lower-stakes situations and work your way up.
Level 1: Low-Risk Practice
Say no to strangers (telemarketers, random requests)
Express mild preferences ("I'd prefer coffee over tea.")
Practice stating your availability clearly
Level 2: Medium-Risk Implementation
Set time boundaries with friends ("I can visit for two hours.")
Express different opinions in group settings
Ask for what you need from family members
Level 3: High-Stakes Transformation
Set boundaries with your boss or demanding clients
Have honest conversations with your partner about relationship dynamics
Address long-standing patterns with difficult family members
We won't be able to stop people pleasing overnight but we will be able to carve out some space for ourselves. And hopefully from there, the reward of having our own time and going after what we want will give us the strength to keep going.
I'm covering more about people pleasing and other Protective Patterns over on LinkedIn this week, if you'd like to connect there. Or I go into more detail in my blog post, How to Stop People Pleasing.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
Please share with a friend to help the Feel Change Build Newsletter grow. More women need to know they can not only feel better but also go after what they really want.
Have a lovely day! - Kate
PS
I am starting a Feel Change Build Community! Coming sometime this fall (after the kids go back to school!), I'll be curating a community just for women who are ready to take their careers, relationships, and lives to the next level. It doesn't matter if you're just starting out, getting back to it, or are retired with valuable insights to share, I'd love to have you!
I will be building resources, workshops, and, of course, discussions along the way. I would love for the FCB community to be where you come for advice from your fellow women, who understand the struggles and triumphs we have daily! In a community where we're not feeding an algorithm that doesn't care about us or our missions.
If you're interested, please check out the link below:
I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
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