I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
Share
How to Ask for Help Without Feeling Guilty
Published about 2 months agoย โขย 3 min read
โ
Hello Reader!โ โ
Last week, we covered how to stop saying "Yes" to too much, and this week we're diving into why it's so hard to ask for help!
Feel
I made a number of you feel guilty last week. And I'm sorry, but you have to get over it ๐
When you asked me to help out on your cause or to do something for you, it was MY responsibility to say, "No, I really can't right now." You can't be responsible for my feelings; only yours. Worrying too much about your coworkers, friends, and family will stop you from asking for the help that you need and leave you burned out.
Last week was a perfect storm of all my commitments coming together at the same time. And I'm really glad I kept all of them. But I could have asked for more help along the way, and it would have made it a lot easier.
There are a lot of reasons we don't ask for help:
We think it makes us weak.
We asked and haven't received it in the past.
We had no one to ask for help growing up.
We develop a hyper-independent pattern that makes us feel guilty when asking for help. Then we try to do everything ourselves and end up in a state of overwhelm, exhaustion, and resentment. Letting go of the guilt is the first step in breaking the pattern. Let others decide if they're able to help; when we all set our own boundaries, we can give freely to each other. And have more energy to give!
Other feelings that may be stopping you from asking for help are:
Fear of rejection or judgment
Shame about having needs
Anxiety about losing control
Living in our 'if I can do it, so can you' culture brings up a lot of fear and shame when asking for help. Everyone's life is unique with different struggles. Don't assume that just because someone seems to be doing it all themselves that they don't have help or aren't burned out. Worry about yourself and your own needs.
Anxiety about losing control is also an easy fear to fall into, especially if you have kids. "If I don't do all the things perfectly, people will think I'm a bad mom, employee, wife, friend, etc." We objectively know we can't be perfect and do everything perfectly all the time. Letting go of some of the control opens us up to asking for the help we need.
Change
Here's how to shift from the protective pattern to more expansive thinking:
โ
Protective Thought: "I should handle this myself."
Expansive Alternative: "Collaboration creates better outcomes than isolation."
โ
Protective Thought: "Asking for help makes me weak."
Expansive Alternative: "Asking for help is a leadership skill."
โ
Protective Thought: "I don't want to burden anyone."
Expansive Alternative: "People feel good when they can contribute meaningfully."
I was reading a post on LinkedIn about leaders admitting when they didn't know the answer and had to ask for help. And it struck me:
Asking for help is a leadership skill.
We can expect everyone to be an expert on everything. When we're learning, we go to a teacher for help. Being a leader is about asking the right questions and leading towards a collaborative goal. Which means that all great leaders ask for a lot of help!
When we're asking for help, big and small, we're modeling to our kids that asking for help makes us smarter. We're letting our coworkers know that we trust them to work towards our goals with us. And we're showing our friends and family that we need them and they are a valuable part of our community.
We can start small when asking for help. Especially if you struggle with fear, shame, or anxiety around asking to get your needs met. But as we learn to trust those around us and respect their boundaries as well, we will find help in all the right places.
I will start with a small ask today:
Please share this email or this link: Feel Change Build Newsletter with a friend to help my newsletter grow today!
Thank you for taking the time to read!
Have a lovely day! - Kate
โ
PS
I am starting a Feel Change Build Community! Coming this fall, I'll be curating a community just for women who are ready to take their careers, relationships, and lives to the next level. It doesn't matter if you're just starting out, getting back to it, or are retired with valuable insights to share, I'd love to have you!
I will be building resources, workshops, and, of course, discussions along the way. I would love for the FCB community to be where you come for advice from your fellow women, who understand the struggles and triumphs we have daily! In a community where we're not feeding an algorithm that doesn't care about us or our missions.
If you're interested, please check out the link below:
I'm here for women who are done apologizing for their emotions, asking permission to change, and building lives designed by committee. Your intensity isn't too much - it's your superpower. Your thoughts aren't broken - they're just protective patterns ready for revolution. Your dreams aren't too big - they're finally big enough.
Hello Reader! To say I'm optimistic about our future would be an understatement. Some days I'm so excited I can hardly wait for the future. Cars that will drive me around while I read! 3-D printer ovens cooking lasagna! AI that will delve further into research and connect the dots we're missing to end brain cancer! You know, just all human potential 10x!!! And, yes, I know that there are problems and pitfalls with each of these scenarios: water to cool the servers for AI, electricity for the...
Hello Reader! This week, I'm exploring feeling what's right, getting unstuck, and what makes a strong online community. In between pumpkin carving and making sure the yard inflatable decorations don't fly away, big topics keep coming up in our house. I try not to scare my kids, but I don't shelter them either. An important part of my quest for knowledge is to instill in them a curiosity to question why things are the way they are and how they can help to make them better. So we talk about all...
Hello Reader! This week, I'm exploring the many facets of perfectionism: what it is, why it's not helping anyone, and most importantly, how to stop! But first, I want to start with an apology for missing the newsletter last week because I was on vacation! And I had big plans to set posts to run on LinkedIn and schedule this newsletter, but then remnants of not just one but two(!) hurricanes took aim at Arizona and southern Colorado, causing me to have to replan our whole trip! My husband...
โ
โ