Hello Reader!​

I don't know if you all have noticed but everyone feels more stressed lately. If you're thinking, "Duh, Kate, have you not been paying attention to the world?" Then this week's newsletter is for you. We're exploring stress and all the bad and good things about it!

Good Stress vs. Bad Stress: How to Tell the Difference

The Truth About Stress

Here's what nobody tells you: Not all stress is created equal.

You've been told to "reduce stress" as if all stress is the enemy. But research shows that's not just wrong; it's harmful.

Some stress is killing you slowly. Other stress is making you stronger, sharper, and more alive.

The difference isn't the intensity. It's the meaning.

Kelly McGonigal's research on 30,000 adults found that high stress combined with the belief that stress is harmful increased death risk by 43%. But high stress combined with the belief that stress can be helpful? Those people had the LOWEST mortality risk in the entire study.

Your body is listening to what you think about your stress.

So let's get clear: Which stress should you eliminate, which should you process, and which should you actually embrace?

Here's how to tell the difference!

The Three Types of Stress

1. Toxic Stress (Eliminate This)

What it is: Stress from meaningless sources that drain without giving back.

Characteristics:

• Doesn't align with your values
• Drains energy without purpose
• Creates resentment, not growth
• Often protective patterns in disguise

Examples:

• Perfectionism
• Comparison to others
• People-pleasing
• Toxic relationships
• "Should" obligations
• Appearances management

Your body's response when you believe it's harming you: Inflammation, prolonged cortisol, cardiovascular strain, worse outcomes

2. Meaningful Stress (Process and Channel This)

What it is: Stress from things that genuinely matter to you.

Characteristics:

• Aligned with what you care about
• Necessary, not optional
• Part of love, responsibility, purpose
• Worth the discomfort

Examples:

• Parenting challenges
• Work that matters
• Financial responsibility
• Health management
• Caring for aging parents

Your body's response when you reframe it as enhancing: Better oxygen delivery, faster recovery, growth hormones activated, resilience building

3. Growth Stress (Embrace and Use This)

What it is: Stress from stepping into the unknown, learning, becoming.

Characteristics:

• Signals you're at your edge
• Comes with meaningful change
• Temporary discomfort for long-term growth
• Chosen, not imposed

Examples:

• Career transitions
• Learning new skills
• Difficult conversations
• Creative risks
• Pursuing your calling

Your body's response when you interpret it as excitement: Performance enhancement, sharper focus, increased energy, challenge response activation!

Feel

How to Process Each Type of Stress

Recognize what type you're feeling before you process it

At work: Before a big presentation, notice your racing heart. Is this toxic stress (imposter syndrome, perfectionism) or growth stress (your body preparing you to perform)? Process the emotion differently based on which it is.

At home: When your toddler has a meltdown, identify: Is your stress meaningful (you care deeply about their development) or toxic (you're worried about judgment from other parents)? Feel the meaningful stress with acceptance, the toxic stress with boundaries.

In relationships: Friend cancels plans last minute. Is your stress meaningful (you value connection) or toxic (people-pleasing pattern says you should always be available)? Process accordingly.

Personal growth: Starting therapy or coaching creates anxiety. Is this toxic stress (shame about needing help) or growth stress (nervous about vulnerability)? The first needs pattern transformation, the second needs reframing as courage.

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Use the 90-Second Method differently for different stress types

Toxic stress: Feel it for 90 seconds, then ask: "Why am I carrying stress that doesn't serve me?" This often reveals protective patterns that need transformation.

Meaningful stress: Feel it for 90 seconds, then remind yourself: "This discomfort is proportional to how much I care." The stress completes but the care remains.

Growth stress: Feel it for 90 seconds, then reframe the physical sensations: "My body is giving me energy to handle this new challenge." Let the arousal fuel you instead of fighting it.

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Notice when you're making stress worse by believing it's harming you

At work: Stressed about a deadline + "this stress is terrible for me" = cardiovascular strain, impaired thinking, worse performance. Same deadline + "this stress is my body helping me focus" = challenge response, better performance.

At home: Stressed about balancing work and kids + "I shouldn't feel this way, good mothers don't stress" = shame spiral, more stress, worse outcomes. Same situation + "I'm stressed because both roles matter deeply" = acceptance, processing, moving forward.

In relationships: Stressed about conflict + "stress means something's wrong with me/us" = avoidance, resentment building. Same conflict + "stress signals this relationship matters enough to have hard conversations" = engagement, resolution.

Personal growth: Stressed about learning something new + "I'm too anxious to do this" = quit before you start. Same learning curve + "My body is mobilizing energy for this challenge" = persist, grow.

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Change

How to Transform Your Relationship with Each Type

Eliminate toxic stress by recognizing it's not serving you

At work: Notice the Sunday scaries aren't about Monday tasks; they're about proving your worth to a boss who'll never be satisfied. That's toxic stress. Set boundaries, document your wins, or start exploring exit strategies.

At home: The stress of keeping your house Instagram-perfect isn't serving your family; it's serving a protective pattern. Transform "messy house = bad mother" into "lived-in house = loved family." Stop carrying stress that doesn't align with your actual values.

In relationships: Friend who only calls when she needs something. The stress of maintaining this isn't serving connection; it's serving your people-pleasing pattern. Transform "I have to be available" into "Real friendship is reciprocal."

Personal growth: Stop stressing about reading every self-help book, trying every productivity hack, optimizing every moment. That's perfectionism dressed up as growth. Transform "I should always be improving" into "I'm allowed to just be sometimes."

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Reframe meaningful stress as a signal of what matters

At work: Stressed about a project? Don't interpret as "I can't handle this." Reframe: "I care about doing this well." Same stress, different meaning, different biology. The stress becomes fuel instead of burden.

At home: Stressed about your teenager pulling away? Transform "I'm failing as a parent" into "I care deeply about their wellbeing during this transition." The stress doesn't disappear but stops being evidence of inadequacy.

In relationships: Stressed about an aging parent's health? Reframe from "This is too much" to "My stress reflects how much they mean to me." The caregiving is still hard, but the stress becomes a testament to love, not a sign you're not coping.

Personal growth: Stressed about money? Transform "I'm bad with finances" into "I care about security and freedom and this stress is appropriate and will drive me to learn." Growth mindset about stress itself changes outcomes.

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Interpret growth stress as excitement, not threat

At work: About to give a presentation and heart racing? Old story: "I'm too nervous, something's wrong." New story: "I'm excited and my body is preparing me to perform." Say out loud: "I'm excited" (research shows this works better than "I'm calm").

At home: Trying a new parenting approach after years of the old way? Anxiety is normal. Transform "I'm doing it wrong" into "I'm learning and discomfort means growth." Your kids benefit from seeing you as a learner, not perfect.

In relationships: Having a difficult conversation about boundaries? Transform "I'm too anxious for this" into "This tension means the relationship matters enough to be honest." The stress becomes evidence of care, not dysfunction.

Personal growth: Going back to school, changing careers, starting a business in your 40s/50s? Transform "I'm too old/scared/unprepared" into "This fear means I'm at my edge and that's exactly where growth happens." Channel the nervous energy into action.

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Build

How to Design Your Life Around Each Type

Remove sources of toxic stress from your environment

At work: Audit your calendar for obligations that serve others' expectations, not your values. That committee you joined from guilt? Resign. The networking event that drains you? Skip it. The comparison-inducing LinkedIn scrolling? Unfollow. Build a work life aligned with YOUR priorities, not imagined judges.

At home: Stop hosting holidays if you resent it. Quit the PTA if it's draining. Cancel subscriptions to parenting magazines that make you feel inadequate. Say no to birthday parties at your house. Create home rhythms that serve your family, not appearances.

In relationships: Phase out relationships that require you to shrink. Stop attending events from obligation. Quit group texts that drain you. Build a social life around people who energize, not deplete. Quality over quantity.

Personal growth: Unsubscribe from every "optimize your life" newsletter that makes you feel behind. Quit the workout class you hate. Stop forcing yourself into morning routines that don't fit your chronotype. Build practices that work WITH your personality and season of life.

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Create support systems for meaningful stress you can't eliminate

At work: Meaningful work creates meaningful stress.

Build: Weekly co-working sessions with colleagues who get it. Monthly check-ins with mentor. Daily 5-minute decompression ritual before entering home. Quarterly career reflection days.

You can't eliminate the stress of caring about your work so build structures to process it.

At home: Parenting stress is meaningful but relentless.

Build: Babysitter for weekly date night (non-negotiable). Mom friend text thread for 2am "is this normal?" questions. Annual weekend away without kids. Daily 15-minute retreat after bedtime.

The stress doesn't disappear but you process it before it compounds.

In relationships: Caring for aging parents, supporting struggling friends, maintaining long marriages all creates stress worth having.

Build: Caregiver support group. Therapist who specializes in sandwich generation. Monthly respite care. Weekly call with sibling to share load. Grief processing space.

Personal growth: Building anything meaningful (business, skills, creative work) creates stress.

Build: Accountability partner. Community of fellow learners. Protected creation time. Failure-processing practices. Celebration rituals for small wins.

The stress of growth needs support structures.

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Use growth stress as energy for the change you're choosing

At work: Career transition anxiety isn't something to eliminate; it's energy to channel.

Build: Morning practice of feeling the stress for 90 seconds, then using it: one networking message, one job application, one skill-building hour. The energy becomes your fuel for daily action.

Track: Did you use stress energy or let it paralyze you?

At home: Stress about kids starting new school/developmental stage?

Channel it: Research schools with the nervous energy. Have conversations while heart is racing (the energy makes you more engaged, not less). Use the energy to stay present, not check out.

Growth stress processed = growth achieved.

In relationships: Boundary-setting creates stress before relief.

Channel the discomfort: Practice what you'll say while feeling anxious. Send the text while heart is racing. Have the conversation with the nervous energy (it actually helps you stay clear).

The stress is your body preparing you so use it.

Personal growth: Learning new technology, going back to school, starting creative practice in midlife? The impostor syndrome stress is energy.

Channel it: Study while feeling inadequate (the discomfort sharpens focus). Create while feeling vulnerable (the rawness makes work authentic). Apply while feeling unqualified (the courage is the point).

Let growth stress fuel growth.

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You're not "too stressed."

You're carrying three different types of stress like they're all the same.

Toxic stress: Eliminate it. It's not serving you.

Meaningful stress: Process it. Reframe it. It's evidence of what you care about.

Growth stress: Channel it. Use it. It's your body preparing you to become who you're meant to be.

The goal isn't a stress-free life.

The goal is a life where the only stress you're carrying is worth having and you know how to work with it.

Your stress isn't the enemy.

Some of it needs to be eliminated. Some needs to be processed. Some needs to be used.

Now you know the difference.

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Thank you for taking the time to read. Please feel free to forward this newsletter to a friend you think would get some help out of it.

Have a lovely day! - Kate