Hello Reader!​

My daughter recently did a report on Eleanor of Aquitaine and my historical fiction-loving heart was in hog heaven: research, costumes, and tiaras, oh my! Eleanor has always been one of my favorite women in history and I couldn't wait to share her story with my daughter: queen of England and France, literal crusader, and governing regent in multiple territories while her husband and son were away. A woman who wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted and apologized to no one for it.

But the thing my daughter couldn't get over: Eleanor was held captive by her husband for 16 years. We discussed why Eleanor had helped her sons lead a rebellion against him perhaps because he cheated on her. And how resilient Eleanor was for surviving her captivity and wielding power when she was out. But my daughter was still so focused on that captivity. It horrified her that a husband could lock up a wife. A queen no less. Even if it was 900 years ago. She just couldn't get past it!

It got me thinking about how much agency we have today and don't even think about. It really blew both of my kids minds that not that long ago in the 70s, a woman couldn't even open a credit card without her father or husband consigning. Growing up in the 90s, I thought we were post-all this sexist bullshit. How fast in my career I learned we weren't.

But we have come a long way. And every day is a chance to go a step further. We can be the change we want to see in the world if we just keep going. Especially for all the little girls out there who aren't learning about the great women in history and are still locked up in their own society's gender-role prisons.

Every day, you have agency Eleanor didn't have. Agency your grandmother didn't have. Agency women in many parts of the world still don't have.

The question is: Are you using it?

Here's how to exercise the freedom you have, not just for yourself, but for every little girl watching to see what's possible.

PS - If you're looking for fantastic historical fiction on Eleanor, her two husbands, and their children (the kings from Robin Hood!), check out the Plantagenets Series by Sharon Kay Penman. It's starts with Eleanor's strong and courageous mother-in-law!

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Feel

Use Your Agency to Honor Your Emotions

You have the right to feel what you feel without permission

At work: When your boss dismisses your concern in a meeting, you don't have to smile and nod. You have agency to say: "I'd like to revisit that point; I think it's important." Eleanor couldn't speak freely in captivity. You can. Use your voice even when it shakes.

At home: When your partner says "you're overreacting," you have agency to say: "My feelings are valid. Let's talk about what's actually happening here." Women were told for centuries their emotions were hysteria. You get to name your feelings as real and demand they be taken seriously.

In relationships: When a friend violates a boundary and says "you're too sensitive," you have agency to end the conversation: "I'm not debating whether my boundary is reasonable. I'm telling you what I need." You don't need consensus to have feelings.

Personal growth: You have agency to go to therapy without your partner's approval, process childhood trauma your family wants to keep buried, cry in public if you need to, feel angry without being labeled a bitch. Eleanor was imprisoned for her rage. You're allowed yours.

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You have the right to prioritize your nervous system over others' comfort

At work: When a meeting goes over and you need to pick up your kids, you have agency to stand up and leave: "I have to go now." You don't need to apologize or explain. Eleanor couldn't leave the room. You can. Exercise that right.

At home: When family is coming over and you're overwhelmed, you have agency to say: "I need 30 minutes alone before everyone arrives." Lock the door. Take it. Women who prioritized themselves were called selfish. Now it's called boundaries.

In relationships: When someone is trauma-dumping and you're at capacity, you have agency to interrupt: "I care about you, but I don't have the capacity for this right now." You're not their therapist and you don't have to be available 24/7.

Personal growth: You have agency to leave the party early, skip the family reunion, not answer your phone, take a mental health day without a doctor's note. Your grandmother couldn't do any of this without scandal. You can. Do it without apology.

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You have the right to process emotions instead of performing happiness

At work: When asked "how are you?" on a hard day, you have agency to say "honestly, struggling today" instead of the automatic "fine!" Women were expected to be pleasant always. You get to be human.

At home: When your kids ask why you're crying, you have agency to say: "Mom is sad right now, and that's okay. I'm taking care of it." Show them emotions are normal, not shameful. Eleanor's daughters learned women should suffer silently. Yours can learn differently.

In relationships: When someone asks what's wrong and you say "nothing" when it's clearly something, you have agency to try again: "Actually, I need to talk about something." Stop protecting others from your real feelings.

Personal growth: You have agency to feel your feelings for 90 seconds without immediately "fixing" them, posting positivity, or pretending you're fine. Sit with the grief. Sit with the rage. Sit with the fear. Women were medicated for feeling. You get to feel fully and unapologetically.

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Change

Use Your Agency to Transform Your Thoughts

You have the right to question beliefs you were raised with

At work: You were taught "don't be bossy" and "wait your turn." You have agency to transform that: "Being clear about what I need isn't bitchy; it's leadership." Eleanor was called a she-demon for wanting power. You can claim yours without the label defining you.

At home: You were taught "good mothers sacrifice everything." You have agency to transform that: "Good mothers model self-care and boundaries." Your daughter is watching. Show her women don't have to martyr themselves.

In relationships: You were taught "don't make waves" and "keep the peace." You have agency to transform that: "Authentic relationships can handle my truth." Stop keeping yourself small to make others comfortable.

Personal growth: You were taught your worth depends on your appearance, your achievements, your service to others. You have agency to transform that: "I'm inherently worthy." Eleanor's worth was measured by sons she bore and kingdoms she secured. Yours isn't.

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You have the right to change your mind about anything

At work: You said yes to a project, then realized it doesn't align with your values. You have agency to go back: "I need to withdraw from this. My capacity has changed." Women were taught their word was a life sentence. It's not. Circumstances change. You're allowed to change with them.

At home: You used to think stay-at-home motherhood was the goal, or that working full-time was essential, or that homeschooling was best. Then life taught you differently. You have agency to pivot without shame. What worked at 25 doesn't have to work at 45.

In relationships: You tolerated certain behavior for years. You have agency to say: "I used to accept this, but I don't anymore. This needs to change." Growth means different standards. You're not being difficult; you're evolving.

Personal growth: You believed something about yourself for decades, "I'm not creative," "I'm bad with money," "I'm not leadership material." You have agency to say: "That was true then. It's not true now." Eleanor was defined by her marriages. You get to redefine yourself endlessly.

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You have the right to reject "shoulds" that don't serve you

At work: You "should" work 60-hour weeks to prove dedication. You have agency to reject that: "I work my contracted hours effectively. That's enough." The hustle-culture "should" is a choice, not a law. You can choose differently.

At home: You "should" host Thanksgiving, keep a spotless house, make homemade baby food, throw Pinterest-perfect birthday parties. You have agency to say: "We're ordering pizza and using paper plates." You get to choose what 'shoulds' you want to do.

In relationships: You "should" visit your in-laws every weekend, answer every text immediately, say yes when asked for favors. You have agency to say no. "Should" is often someone else's expectation wearing a disguise.

Personal growth: You "should" meditate, wake at 5am, read 52 books a year, have a side hustle, be optimizing constantly. You have agency to reject all of it: "I'm doing what works for MY life." Eleanor was trapped by what queens "should" do. You're not.

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Build

Use Your Agency to Create a Better World

You have the power to model unapologetic ambition for the next generation

At work: When you get promoted, don't downplay it with "I just got lucky." You have agency to own it: "I worked hard for this and I'm proud." Your daughter is watching. Show her women can want power and celebrate getting it. Eleanor wanted to rule. So can you.

At home: When your kids ask about your work, you have agency to say: "I'm building something important. That's why I can't always be there for every game/recital/moment." Stop apologizing for having ambitions beyond motherhood. Show them women can be AND, not just OR.

In relationships: When you skip a social event to work on your business/book/career, you have agency to say: "This matters to me and I'm prioritizing it." Stop shrinking your goals to make others comfortable. Eleanor was punished for her ambition. You don't have to be.

Personal growth: You have agency to take up space, literally and figuratively. Apply for the job you're "not qualified for." Pitch the big idea. Start the business. Run for office. Write the book. Build the platform. Do it loudly. Do it unapologetically. Little girls need to see what's possible.

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You have the power to use your resources for systemic change

At work: You have hiring power? You have agency to actively recruit women, especially women of color. You control a budget? Fund initiatives that advance equity. You have a platform? Use it to amplify women without one. Eleanor used her power as regent to reshape kingdoms. Use yours to reshape systems.

At home: You have agency to raise sons who respect women's agency and daughters who expect nothing less. Have the conversation about consent at age 5. Model egalitarian partnership. Call out sexism at the dinner table. Your family is the first system you can change.

In relationships: When you hear sexist comments from friends/family, you have agency to name it: "That's not okay." You don't have to lecture; just don't laugh along. Silence is compliance. Eleanor was silenced in prison. You're not imprisoned. Speak.

Personal growth: You have agency to vote, donate to organizations fighting for women's rights globally, mentor younger women, sponsor someone's career, share your knowledge freely. Eleanor couldn't vote. You can. Women died for that right. Use it.

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You have the power to build something that outlasts you

At work: You have agency to create the workplace culture you wish you'd had earlier in your career. Advocate for paid family leave. Normalize flexible schedules. Sponsor women for promotions. Challenge the "prove you can hang" culture. You're building the path the next woman walks.

At home: You have agency to break generational patterns: the silence around money, the emotional suppression, the people-pleasing, the perfectionism. Your healing becomes your daughter's inheritance. Eleanor's captivity shaped her daughters' lives. Your freedom shapes yours.

In relationships: You have agency to build a community of women supporting women; not competing, not tearing down, not comparing. Your community, your friend group, your professional network. Show the next generation that women are allies, not adversaries.

Personal growth: You have agency to document your story, your lessons, your transformation. Write it down. Record it. Share it. Create the resource you needed when you were 25. Build the framework that helps the woman coming behind you. Eleanor's story survived 900 years. What will yours create?

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What agency do you have that you're not using?

List the freedoms you have that Eleanor of Aquitaine didn't:

• Vote
• Own property
• Have your own money
• Leave your house
• Choose your work
• Speak your mind
• Divorce
• Say no
• Define yourself
• Pursue your dreams

Now ask: Which am I actually exercising?

This week, use one piece of agency you've been sitting on:

FEEL:

• Say "no" without apologizing
• Express a real emotion instead of performing fine
• Leave a draining situation

CHANGE:

• Question one "should" you've been carrying
• Transform one limiting belief
• Change your mind about something you said you'd never change

BUILD:

• Apply for something ambitious
• Speak up about something that matters
• Take one action toward building what you wish existed

Eleanor spent 16 years locked in a tower, unable to choose.

You're not locked in a tower.

But you might be locked in thoughts, patterns, "shoulds," fears, and silence that keep you just as captive.

You have agency she never dreamed of:

• Feel your feelings without permission
• Change your mind about everything
• Build the world you want to see

The question isn't whether you have agency.

It's whether you're using it.

For yourself.For your daughter.For every woman who comes after you.

Eleanor fought for her power and paid with 16 years of freedom.

You have power she died wanting.

What are you building with it?

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This week: Exercise one piece of agency you've been too afraid to use.

Do it unapologetically.

Do it for every little girl who needs to see what's possible.

The cage door is open.

Walk out.

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Thank you for taking the time to read. Please feel free to forward this newsletter to a friend you think would get some help out of it.

Have a lovely day! - Kate